Dealing with Death
by Matthew and Sarah Bracey
Death is not a topic that Christians often discuss. We usually avoid such seemingly awkward and uncomfortable conversations. Yet all must reckon with it eventually, especially as people we know grieve the death of a loved one. The question is, how can we best help those hurting, whether they’re a friend, congregant, or someone else? How can we aid those experiencing the profound sadness that results from death in an honest, loving, and sensitive manner?
To answer these questions, we must first understand the spiritual realities of death and the emotional realities of grief. Then we’ll provide some practical guidance for helping the hurting.
Understanding Death & Grief
a. What Is Death?
Scripture provides two foundational points concerning death. First, death is the consequence of sin and affects everyone (Rom. 3:23; 5:12; 6:23): physical, spiritual, and eternal. Physical death refers to the slow decay and ultimate demise of our physical bodies. Spiritual death refers to the separation that sin engenders between a holy God and sinful humanity, and eternal death refers to the everlasting quality of spiritual death (i.e., damnation)—a sober reminder of the soul’s immortality. On our own, we are helpless to change this ugly predicament. However, Scripture reminds us that God offers redemption from these gloomy, devastating prospects.
Moments after the Fall, God offers hope in what is commonly referred to as the “first Gospel” (Gen. 3:15). As this promise is expounded through Old Testament covenants and prophecies, we learn that a Redeemer will come defeating sin, conquering death, and offering salvation. Scripture ultimately reveals this Redeemer as Jesus Christ (cf. 1 Cor. 15:26; Heb. 2:14-15). Echoing 1st Corinthians 15, Saint Athanasius memorably portrays Jesus’ conquest of death:
Death has become like a tyrant who has been completely conquered by the legitimate monarch [Christ]; bound hand and foot as he [death] now is, the passers-by jeer at him, hitting him and abusing him, no longer afraid of his cruelty and rage, because of the king who has conquered him. So has death been conquered and branded for what it is by the Saviour on the cross. It is bound hand and foot, all who are in Christ trample it as they pass and as witnesses to Him deride it, scoffing and saying, “O Death, where is thy victory? O Grave, where is thy sting?” [1]
In Christ, the impossible is made possible. Once desperate and grim, our future is now full of life and hope. Those who place trust in Christ will not ultimately suffer sin’s consequence (Jn. 3:16-17; Acts 4:12; 1 Tim. 2:3-6; 1 Jn. 2:2). Eternal death is vanquished, spiritual death is eradicated, and physical death is rewound. Like Jesus, we’ll be raised from the dead (cf. 1 Cor. 15:21). No longer does death lead to more death, but to more life.
Scottish author George MacDonald beautifully presses this point in “The Golden Key.” Near the story’s end, the Old Man asks Mossy, “You have tasted death now. Is it good?” Mossy replies, “It is good. It is better than life.” “No,” the Old Man rejoins, “it is only more life” [2].
Gerhard Sauter also highlights this point, reminding us that death now represents the eschatological hope believers have in Christ: “It [death] is the pledge of a future life, fully transformed (Rom. 8:23)” [3]. Writing nearly 400 years prior, Johann Gerhard similarly counseled a congregant nearing death: “Turn your eyes from the outward appearance of death and place them on Christ” [4].
For many, much of this is familiar territory. Yet while we rejoice in Christ’s defeat of sin and death, God nevertheless made humans with emotions. We still weep and grieve deeply. So, how can we help those grieving the loss of another with love and sensitivity? To answer this question, we turn first to what grief is and how it’s identified.
b. What Is Grief?
To put it plainly, grief is loss. Many experiences can produce grief: lost pet, failed relationship, or dying child. A particular form of grief is bereavement, which refers to the loss of a loved one.
In some cases, we will know that another is grieving because they’ll tell us. However, in other cases, a friend may be grieving the death of a loved one, but not tell us. We must be able to identify their grief if we are to help, even when they won’t share it. Some of the most common symptoms and signs include sadness, loss of appetite, and disinterest in once-enjoyed activities. [5].
Having considered death and grief, we turn now to what it means practically to help the hurting.
Helping the Hurting
Especially in counseling, John’s Gospel is exceedingly important. In it, Jesus presents a clear picture of how to love people, such as those experiencing embarrassment, shame, and grief (e.g., the Samaritan woman at the well, 4:7-38; the woman caught in adultery, 8:1-11; and the grief of Mary and Martha, 11:1-44).
In light of these examples, what does helping look like? Glen Davidson points out that bereaved persons need “social support, nutrition, hydration, exercise, and rest” [6]. In my own counseling experience, I (Sarah) have found that most bereaving people in therapy have all of these, except for social support. In fact, if everyone had a network of supportive people in their lives, I believe the mental health counseling would almost be obsolete—almost [7].
Practically, this means that bereaving people need us: you and me (the Church). So, what then are some constructive, practical suggestions for giving social support?
a. Don’t Coerce Their Confidence.
When I first entered the counseling field, I believed that clients would simply let me in and let me help. I quickly realized that it’s often not so easy, and it’s especially important that we not coerce their confidence—that is, if they’re willing to share their grief experiences at all. But again, we can’t force them to deal with their loss.
When we try to help those in our lives, we should remember that the last thing they need from us is being bowled over with “talk to me!” directives. When these types of roadblocks materialize, our role is that of a helper, not an investigator. As a counselor, I’ve had much more success with clients by conveying unconditional love and positive regard [8]. This allows people to feel safe in letting down their walls in their own time.
b. Don’t Minimize & Don’t Sympathize. Instead Empathize.
Having gained their confidence, it’s important that we not minimize their experience. Thus we should avoid statements that minimize their loss, suggest they not feel grief, urge them to get back to life, or advise them not to disturb others with their mourning [9]. Directives such as “stop it,” “be strong,” and “keep busy” fall into this camp [10]. While we often mean well, such statements are simply not helpful.
Similarly, we should give empathy rather than sympathy. “I-know-how-you-feel” sympathy statements are often unhelpful. By offering our own stories of grief and failing to listen to theirs, we hinder our ability to console and help. Instead, we should opt for empathy. Like Jesus Who wept when Lazarus died (Jn. 11:35; cf. Rom. 12:15), we too should empathize with those grieving, whether by weeping with them or simply listening to their struggles. While this is often a long and arduous process, it is the right one.
Now, I can nearly guarantee that everyone has said something insensitive at some point without realizing it—including me. However, we mustn’t let this discourage us. The best thing to do is to learn from it, move on, and not do it again.
c. Help with Errands, Respect Their Wishes, & Act Normal.
We can also help the hurting by assisting with specific errands such as answering the telephone, cooking, cleaning, and driving. In so doing though, we must remember to respect their wishes. If they wish to be left alone, then we should oblige. We allow them to determine when and how to invite our help.
If someone grieving chooses to talk to us, we should be careful neither to try to answer unanswerable questions, nor to force our philosophical/religious ideas upon them. Such opportunities will evolve naturally, if at all. Remember, our role is usually not that of talker, but listener.
Finally, amidst all of this, we must act normal. We don’t avoid eye contact with the bereaved, and we’re not afraid to mention the deceased person’s name. Again, we simply act normal.
Conclusion
Without question, much more could be said about the ever-sobering topic of death. In many ways, it’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, death gives Christians a reason to rejoice, for it represents that indefinable, eschatological hope we have in Christ. Even so, the death of a loved one produces difficult emotions, despite our knowledge of and trust in Christ’s victory. In helping the hurting, we the Church mustn’t fail to account for both sides of this dynamic topic—remembering both, neglecting neither.
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[1] St. Athanasius, On the Incarnation, trans./eds. A Religious of C.S.M.V (Crestwood: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1944), §27, 57-58.
[2] George MacDonald, The Complete Fairy Tales (New York: Penguin Books, 1999), 142.
[3] Gerhard Sauter, What Dare We Hope? Reconsidering Eschatology (Harrisburg: Trinity Press International, 1999), 191; see also 2-3. He also writes, “God is Lord over life and death” (190, emphasis his).
[4] Johann Gerhard, Handbook of Consolations: For the Fears and Trials That Oppress Us in the Struggle with Death, Carl L. Beckwith (trans.) (Eugene: Wipf & Stock, 2009), 10.
[5] Some of the signs often include sadness, tearfulness, depression, apathy, loss of appetite, and disinterest in once-enjoyed activities; and, in some cases, physical ailments like stomachaches, headaches, and shoulder and back tension. In the case of children, their grief can look different from an adult’s. Children will more likely act out, most often by expressing anger and displaying poor concentration, frustration, and irritation.
[6] Glen W. Davidson, Understanding Mourning: A Guide for Those Who Grieve (Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress, 1984); cited in Charles A. Corr, Clyde M. Nabe, et all, Death & Dying, Life & Living (Belmont: Wadsworth, 2009), 253.
[7] Without doubt, some have serious mental health disorders that need more than just a new best friend. However, most of the people in out-patient counseling aren’t struggling with such a mental health disorder, but with a lack of social support.
[8] Unconditional love and positive regard are the two main aspects of client-centered therapy. While client-centered counseling has many great theoretical concepts, I recommend using other ideologies to supplement it (i.e., cognitive/behavioral, gestalt, existential, and positive psychology).
[9] When discussing death and dying, many will mention Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). However, I do not find this helpful to mention when counseling someone who has experienced a loss.
Here’s why: When I have someone crying in my office over a recent tragedy, me telling her that she is experiencing such-and-such stage is not going to make of a difference. In fact, I have found that it’s pretty non-sympathetic. It’s been my experience that people don’t simply feel one emotion at a time—first denial, then anger, and so on. No, usually, it’s a complicated mixture that goes back and forth quite a bit before a person feels that he/she has more normal days than not.
Many of the suggestions in this section and the next come from Corr, 262.
[10] For a humorous illustration of these principles, see this Bob Newhart comedy sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw.
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About the Authors: Happily married, Matthew and Sarah Bracey will celebrate their one-year wedding anniversary soon. With Matt’s background in theology (Master of Theological Studies, Beeson Divinity School) and Sarah’s background in counseling (Masters in Counseling, Lipscomb University), they enjoyed the opportunity to co-author this piece.
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