A Newlywed Perspective on Ephesians 5:22-33
by Chris & Rebekah Talbot
The music cued and she turned the corner to walk down the aisle in front of me. I waited patiently on stage as I saw my bride for the first time that day. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Dressed elegantly in her ivory dress, I resisted my tears and choked down that lump in my throat more than once.
I can recount it like it was only yesterday—in part, because it hasn’t been all that long. My wife and I have only been married three months as we write this essay. I’m told we’ll remember our special day forever, and at this point it is still fresh on our minds.
No matter how beautiful and wonderful our ceremony was, it is but a shadow of that greater marriage to come. We read in Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians of a greater marriage between God and His people, Christ and His Church. But for that image to be seen clearly, Paul exhorts both men and women to fulfill their respective roles in this wonderful institution we call marriage. Although equal, God has created men and women to play different parts in this presentation of the Gospel.
As we consider Ephesians 5:22-33 together, we will consider three themes: (1) the woman’s role in marriage, (2) the man’s role in marriage, and (3) how together they paint a picture of the Gospel.
A Woman’s Role: Submission Is Not a Dirty Word
Immediately following the day of our engagement, I (Rebekah) had much to do. Flowers, food, dresses, music—wedding planning began immediately. My most significant responsibility, however, was preparing to be a wife. While studying Ephesians 5, God taught me much (and is still teaching me) about what a godly wife looks like.
More than anything, I learned that submission is the theme of wifehood. Ephesians 5:22 begins with a straightforward command, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Unfortunately, submission is one of the most misunderstood and underappreciated values in modern society. Many women view submission as weakness or the incapacity for intelligent thought and decision-making. Fortunately, biblical submission is much more than unintelligent slavishness. While mankind’s sinfulness does not make these roles easy (cf. Gen. 3:16), it’s a call all Christian wives must accept.
To begin, submission is not a quality reserved simply for wives. Rather it’s expected of all Christians. Immediately before addressing wives, Paul instructs all Christians to walk in love while “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” A wife’s role to submit stems from this general Christian teaching. Submission, therefore, is not a punishment for being a woman. Submission is a call for all Christians, and wives should never feel unequal or inferior as they practice this Christian quality towards their husband. First Peter 3:1-6 shows us a wife’s submission is “a call to something strong and noble and beautiful and dignified and worthy of a woman’s highest spiritual and moral efforts” [1]. It is a specific responsibility to which God has called us, and we can find joy in serving our Lord.
Second, in this Christian act of submission, wives recognize their husbands as “head.” While Chris will further discuss a husband’s headship below, it is imperative for us wives to know we must respect it. John Piper describes submission to this headship as “the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership” [2]. Submitting to a husband’s leadership is not only fulfilled by accepting his decisions, but is also portrayed in our responses, attitudes, body language, and conversations.
Any wife knows that submission isn’t always a simple task. In fact, it can be quite difficult at times. Piper uses the words disposition and inclination when defining submission to remind us that our husbands are not perfect. Submission should never follow a husband into sin, put the husband’s will above Christ’s, or result from fear [3]. A wife’s primary authority is God, and it is through freedom in Christ that she can love even in unlovable circumstances. By respecting our husband’s authority in all circumstances, we follow the example of our serving Savior.
A Man’s Role: Loving Then Leading
Within the first few days of our marriage I (Chris) realized how wonderful and amazing marriage was going to be, and how weighty of a responsibility had been bestowed on me. “But what is marriage for?” you may ask. Timothy Keller answers concisely: “It is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us” [4]. It is the man’s job to take the lead in this cooperative sanctification. Paul urges men to love their wives in a very particular way—the way Christ loved the Church. Paul continues by illustrating how Christ seeks to sanctify His Church through washing with the word and removing all blemishes. Following this perfect example, men should fulfill their roles by loving and leading.
Men’s role in marriage is biblically defined as “headship.” The original Greek for our word head in 5:23 refers to a husband’s “authority” over his wife [5]. Headship is “the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home” [6].
In practical terms, this means that men must love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially. By loving first, leading has its proper wellspring. Then men will seek to lead their wives in Christlikeness. In a world that is drunk on power, Christ redefined for us what it means to be a “servant leader.” Keller articulates it well, “Any exercise of power can only be done in service to the other, not to please oneself” [7]. Men must lead and, thus, follow their Savior who “did not come to be served but to serve” [8].
But how does this look in our everyday, busy, and oftentimes hectic lives? First, it means that men should take initiative in the spiritual realm of their marriage. Although we are each responsible for our own faithfulness to Christ, it’s up to the husband to set the example and lead in biblical faithfulness. This means husbands being constant in their prayer lives, devotion, personal evangelism, bible reading, and other areas. It also means husbands encouraging and exhorting their wives to do the same. What about decision-making? Are men to rule with an iron fist? A resounding “No” is the biblical answer to that question. Husbands should protect and provide both spiritually and physically. Thus their decision process should be shaped by those imperatives. While it is up to a man to lead, all decisions should find their answers firmly within this rubric.
Together: The Gospel
John Piper writes, “The ultimate meaning of marriage—the ultimate purpose of marriage—is to dramatize on earth the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His church” [9]. As we see above, the Gospel is laced throughout the institution of marriage. There is no aspect in which it does not claim authority. Husbands display Christ’s loving-leadership as wives portray the grateful church’s response. “By accepting our gender roles, and operating within them,” writes Keller, “we are able to demonstrate to the world concepts that are so counter-intuitive as to be completely unintelligible unless they are lived out by men and women in Christian marriages” [10]. Married couples are not only able to show the world how the Gospel looks, but also how it’s applied.
The Gospel is not only on display in marriage, but is also the very essence upon which marriage is acted. More than being a Gospel demonstration, marriage is an opportunity to further understand and apply the Gospel. Both men and women are able to emulate Christ in marriage: the male in Christ’s sacrificial authority and the female in Christ’s sacrificial submission [11]. For a wife to be a “suitable helper” (Gen. 2:18), she must look to the great Helper who sent His only son (Jn. 3:16; Deut. 33:26, 29) [12]. For a man to fulfill his role as protector and provider—to be strong and meek, bold and broken-hearted, “lionhearted and lamblike”—he must look to the “Lion of Judah” and “Lamb of God” Who is Christ Jesus [13]. Marriage is so similar to Christ and salvation that we must understand the Gospel to understand marriage [14].
Certainly, we cannot speak from decades of marital bliss. We are new to this age-old institution. We hope, however, through biblical thought and practice to begin to understand the “mystery” that Paul talks about. We pray we realize the immense importance of the covenant into which we have entered and what it displays. As Dietrich Bonheoffer remind us, “[S]o love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God. As high as God is above man, so high are the sanctity, the rights, and the promise of love. It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love” [15].
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[1] John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton: Crossway, 2009), 95.
[2] Piper, 101.
[3] Ibid., 100-101.
[4] Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Penguin Group, 2011) 120.
[5] Wayne Grudem. ed., ESV Study Bible, English Standard Version, (Wheaton: Crossway, 2008), 2271.
[6] Piper, 80.
[7] Keller, 178.
[8] Ibid.
[9] Piper, 147.
[10] Keller 179.
[11] Ibid.
[12] Keller, 173.
[13] Piper, 74.
[14] Ibid., 130.
[15] Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison, 27-28 as cited by John Piper in This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton: Crossway, 2009), 80.
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For Further Reading:
Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Penguin Group, 2011).
Andreas Kostenberger with David W. Jones, God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation (Wheaton: Crossway, 2010).
John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton: Crossway, 2009).
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About the Authors: Chris and Rebekah are happily married in Greenville, North Carolina. Here Chris serves as the Minister of Youth at Unity FWB Church, and Rebekah teaches elementary school. Both are graduates of Welch College, Chris earning his degree in Pastoral Ministry, Rebekah in Music Education, and both hold degrees in theology. Equal lovers of music, coffee, theology, and food, these two are the best of friends.
April 22, 2013
This is absolutely beautiful.
April 23, 2013
This is so well written… I love how much insight you both have on marriage and yet you both are so new to it.. There is a maturity only God can give …Very refreshing.
April 24, 2013
I love to see that you both are starting out with the right Biblical perspective; I truly enjoyed reading this piece.