Everyone’s A Winner: Raising a Generation of Losers
by Anna McAffee
In our world today, there is a governing philosophy to educate youth with the idea that they can do anything they set their mind to do. “Believe, achieve, succeed”—this is what my former alma mater engrained in me as we would repeat this refrain during morning announcements. No one loses, and everyone wins. But is this true? And is it right? Have we created an impossible reality for a fallen creation? Mentally, physically, and emotionally, it is impossible. And when we finally realize it, we are worse off than we started.
As a word of disclaimer, I should clarify that I am not approaching these questions as an educational or sociological expert, but as a parent who is trying to engage this world, and who is interested in filtering my own experiences through a biblical worldview.
In this article, I will consider this phenomenon as it occurs at the home and in the schools. And in particular, we must consider the problem with the mantra, “believe, achieve, succeed” as it works itself out in the home and education. Second, we must think and analyze this question in light of the Bible.
The Problem: Everyone Wins
At Home
The first area in which we see this philosophy emerge is the home. We are often made to think that we need to build up our children’s self-esteem above all else. Now it is true that our children need positive affirmation, which every parent should strive to do better. However, what often results is that we tell our children “Everything Is Awesome!” (as The Lego Movie reinforces!) when in reality it is not.
We set them up for failure by not giving them realistic expectations. We do not prepare them for healthy criticism, nor do we allow them to determine their gifts and abilities. By telling them that they can do whatever they want, they never have the chance to figure out what they are good at and what they are not good at. Working to develop well-rounded and confident children is not a bad thing. The problem arises when we tell our children that they are going to be the very best at everything they set out to do.
To put it plainly: Why are the audition lines so long for American Idol? Because somebody’s momma didn’t tell them they “cain’t” sing!
In Education
The second area where this philosophy shows up is education. This phenomenon begins early in our educational system. I have an acquaintance whose child is enrolled in a pre-K program where there is absolutely no negative consequence or disciplinary action. It is all positive reinforcement, with no negative. So when Johnny hits a student, they do not say, “No, Johnny, don’t hit. Go to the corner.” Instead, they say, “Johnny, you were so good at playing ball the other day. Let’s go practice throwing the ball in a constructive manner.” As a result, Johnny is never told that hitting his classmate is bad, and that the classroom is chaotic. Relatively well-behaved children (like my friend’s child, who is well-behaved in other contexts) are now having disciplinary issues. Go figure.
This philosophy can be seen in grade school as well. Everyone remembers the excitement of the annual field day in their elementary school. There was a competitive spirit in the air. When I was a child, we received ribbons for first, second, and third place. But that was it. Not any more, though. Everyone gets a ribbon, and everyone wins.
But it also persists in upper educational levels as well. I used to work in a career placement program at a research university. Students would regularly come to us expecting to receive a job on a silver platter, without exerting any effort on their part. They felt a sense of entitlement, thinking that a given firm was dying to have them work for them. And the student’s expectation was often CEO or some other management position, without back office work first.
The Solution: Someone’s Gotta Lose
This philosophy of entitlement, positive thinking, and good karma is bound to fail because it is just not true to reality. We must go back to creation. After God made the world, He declared that everything was “very good,” the pinnacle being humanity (Gen. 1:31). God entrusted human beings with the responsibility of taking care of the world; they represented God’s rule over creation. This is certainly part of what it means to be made in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27).
But something happened. Mankind sinned against his Creator. But what did that sin involve? The serpent tempted Adam and Eve to try to take the reigns of the world into their own hands, doing it their own way. Specifically, he promised them that they could become “like gods” themselves (Gen. 3:5). They could do whatever they wanted. Nothing was out of their reach, and there were no limitations. The real problem was being under the thumb of their Creator. Why should they listen to Him when they could determine what was good and evil for themselves?
This is what we are all dying to do—we want control, and we want to have it our way. It is important for us to realize that we are all losers. Failing to accept our proper role in the creation is what brought us into this mess in the first place. Continuing to act as though this never happened only exacerbates the reality of our depravity. We pretend as if it never occurred, and we instill this type of mentality into our children by pushing them to become their own gods.
This assessment is certainly true of the world, if we are to filter it through the lens of the Bible. But what about believers? Can we be guilty of getting caught up in the spirit of the age? We certainly can and often do. As parents, we must be careful that we not take our parenting advice from what we see around us. Rather, we need to think about our approach to parenting critically and biblically.
For one, we need to instill within our children a healthy sense of humility and a realization of their own limitations as finite creatures. Yes, we have dignity as image bearers of God, but that dignity is something we have received, not earned. So should we tell our children they can do anything they put their minds to? Is it really mind over matter? Or do we let them fail and come to grips with their own limitations? In such cases, we as godly parents should point them to see their sufficiency in Christ. Their worth, self-esteem, gifts, and abilities are all to be understood in terms of their service to the Lord.
Conclusion
So go ahead and tell your children they can’t do everything. Make a bold step. It will be a relief to your children as well. In the long run, you will build their self esteem by letting them know that they are not going to win at everything, and that they are still loved and cared for just the same. This does not mean that we should not urge them to strive for excellence—they always should, and so should we! But we strive for excellence as earthen vessels of clay, as Paul reminds us: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us” (2 Cor. 4:7).
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About the Author: Anna McAffee is the wife of Matthew and mother of three: Abigail (9), Lydia (5), and Samuel (2). She currently serves as the resident director for the girls’ dormitory of Welch College. She holds a bachelors degree in business from Welch and an MBA from Trevecca Nazarene University.
January 26, 2015
Thank you for this article on such an important subject. We’re raising a generation that’s concerned about high self-esteem, yet the only true self-worth is found in our relationship with God. May your message resonate and influence a large audience of people to reach their full potential as beings created in the image of God.
January 30, 2015
Upon reading Anna’s article I thought:
1. “What a joy it would be to know a mother/family like that.”
2. “What a privilege it would be to have a woman/mother like that working with the girls/teens in your local church.”
3. “What a marvelous mentor someone like her could be to future pastor’s wives/church leaders at your Christian college.”
Then I realized, “I do know ALL of that!” She is an active part of our church family. She is investing herself in the students of Welch College.
Thanks Anna.