One of the great joys of pastoral ministry is presiding over wedding ceremonies. One of the great headaches of pastoring can be presiding over wedding rehearsals. Well, maybe you do not have to be in pastoral ministry for wedding rehearsals to cause a headache. I have been part of many weddings either as the officiant or as a member of the wedding party, and I have learned that rehearsals are stressful from both ends. They can drag on for seemingly an eternity. They are normally before a dinner so that many people are ‘hangry.’ The physical temperature is often too hot or too cold. Then, to top it all off, clashing personalities often argue about how best to do x, y, and z.
I have found that the most unpleasant wedding rehearsals are almost always the ones where the pastor fails to take a leading role in the proceedings. The converse is also true, though. That is, the most pleasant wedding rehearsals of which I have been a part are those where the pastor gently takes charge of the rehearsal. Over the past nine years of pastoral ministry, I have gleaned from other pastors and my own experiences the following five-step guide to help pastors conduct a good wedding rehearsal.
Step 1: Develop the Order of Service with the Bride and Groom
Before I agree to preside over a couple’s wedding, I require that they work through at least eight sessions of premarital counseling with me. At the conclusion of the eighth session, I sit down with both the bride and groom together to develop an order of service for the wedding. Often, couples have no idea where to begin. Therefore, I always come prepared with three or four orders of service that I have developed, and I offer them up for the couple’s consideration. Minister’s Manuals like those published by Randall House and Thomas Nelson are great resources for developing such orders.[1]
Once the bride and groom agree on an order of service, I ask them to provide a list of everyone who will be involved in the wedding ceremony itself. This list includes the maid of honor and bridesmaids, the best man and groomsmen, the flower girl, the ring bearer, ushers, grandparents, parents, readers, musicians, singers, and literally anyone else involved. I also ask them for the names of personnel surrounding the wedding—people like the wedding planner (formal or informal) and the photographer. All of this information will be vital for the next step.
Step 2: Typing and Printing the Order of Service for Distribution
At this point, I take all of the information from step one and type a personalized order of service for this particular ceremony. The document will include the following: (1) the order in which wedding participants need to be lined up; and (2) the ‘script and stage directions’ that will be followed in the ceremony (processional, service, recessional). Once I have cleared this document with the bride and groom, I print enough copies for everyone with a part in the wedding to have one at the rehearsal. Then I write each participant’s name on their own copy, highlighting their parts in the service (when they walk, talk, sing, etc.). I hand out this order of service near the beginning of the rehearsal itself, which brings us to step number three.
Step 3: Begin Well
We come now to the eve of the big event itself. My recommendation is that, after consulting the bride and groom, the pastor take charge from the beginning. Once I check with the couple and the wedding planner to make sure that the rehearsal is ready to begin, I call the room to order by saying something like, “May I have everyone’s attention, please? Go ahead and make your way to a seat, and let’s begin in a word of prayer this afternoon.” Beginning with prayer is most fitting as it immediately turns the gaze of participants heavenward in an anxiety-provoking situation (Philippians 4:6–7).
After praying, I say something like the following: “I am so glad that each and every one of you is here to help John and Jane prepare for their special day tomorrow. You hold a special place in their hearts, and they want you to be near them on this important day of their lives. Now, there’s a chance that you’ve been in other weddings in the past, and some things will be different about this wedding by comparison. But this is the wedding that John and Jane desire. So, let’s try to honor their desires and keep unsolicited advice to a minimum. Here is an order of service for each of you to follow along this evening. I’ve highlighted your part, and we will go through it together in just a moment.”[2]
Some may think that the speech and the highlighted orders of service are excessive. However, I have found that the speech establishes who is in charge—and someone needs to be in charge, or else chaos reigns. Moreover, I have found that the orders of service (the scripts) keep people engaged with the process. They are less prone to get distracted when they are looking at the sheet of paper, and if they do happen to get distracted at some point during the verbal instructions, they have the written instructions in their hands.
Step 4: Do a “Talk-through,” a “Walk-through,” and a “Dress Rehearsal”[3]
Now that everyone has an order of service in their hands, and while they are still seated, I carefully talk through the order of service with them. I will give explanation and ask for any clarifying questions along the way.
Next, I have the participants stand where they will be after their entrance. The wedding planner will usually help with this part, but I always try to keep things moving along. Once their standing positions are decided, I send everyone to their starting positions. With everyone in place, I now walk them through the script with actions. That is, people are performing the actions but also being instructed about things like walking pace, talking parts, etc. After walking through the script together, we go through a “dress rehearsal” once or twice. By dress rehearsal, I do not mean that people are in their wedding garb—simply that the actions will be performed just as they will be on the day of the wedding. If the walk through and the talk through are both done, the dress rehearsal will go much smoother, and everyone will be more at ease on the day of the wedding. I strongly encourage pastors to have their wives or another lady involved with the wedding to stand by the door and instruct people as to when they might proceed down the aisle.
A word of clarification is in order at this point. I do not read everything that I am going to say at the wedding. To borrow a phrase from Seinfeld, I “Yada, Yada” my way through the order, offering explanation when needed. I read only the beginning and ending phrases of lines (people have the full order of service if they are curious about the details).
Step 5: Close Well
I try to offer a brief word of encouragement and exhortation at the end. The goal is not to preach a sermon or even to give a devotion. Still, I try to say something that will glorify God and encourage the people at the end. Afterwards, I dismiss the people to the rehearsal dinner with a word of prayer. Often, the bride or groom would like someone special in attendance to say this blessing, and that is totally appropriate.
Conclusion
Following these steps is sure to make what is often an incredibly tense and stressful evening much more relaxed for everyone. Moreover, the pastor’s direction of the wedding rehearsal allows the soon-to-be-wed couple the opportunity to experience joy in practicing for this important day rather than stress over leading the rehearsal. In this way, I have found these steps to be a wonderful way to minister to the engaged couple.
[1]Billy A. Melvin, Minister’s Manual, 2nd ed. (Nashville: Randall House, 2004); Nelson’s Minister’s Manual (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2003).
[2] I give my thanks to Rev. Ivan Ryan, a Free Will Baptist Pastor with more than fifty years of experience, for teaching me that such a speech will prevent a great deal of tension and conflict during the rehearsal.
[3]Once more, Rev. Ryan is to thank for teaching me about this step and for giving me the quoted terminology.
Recent Comments