Grief, Care-giving, and the Church with Dr. Roy Harris
Grief is one of the most common life experiences. Yet it is often preceded by a period of great emotional, physical, and financial distress for those serving as caregivers. Caregivers come in many shapes and sizes, and yet our lives are filled with persons who wear this hat. In truth, nearly all of us will do so at some point in time. Seeing such struggles in the lives of my own congregation led me to invite Dr. Roy Harris to share his Living Beyond Grief Conference with our church this past weekend.
Harris is a veteran minister, conference speaker, and author of several books. He has pastored churches in Georgia, North Carolina, and Tennessee, and has overseen the formation and operation of several Christian schools. For years, he also served in several administrative capacities at Welch College. Dr. Harris’s ministry takes him throughout the United States and Africa, preaching and teaching on a range of topics in a number of venues. He and his wife Amy reside in Lebanon, Tennessee, where they also enjoy being active members of a church plant in nearby Mount Juliet.
I appreciate him making time to share some of his insight with the Forum.
Readers may listen to the audio below, or read the transcript that follows.
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Jackson Watts (JW): Brother Roy, it’s my pleasure to have you with us this weekend at Grace Church, and also to have the opportunity to interview you for the Helwys Society Forum. I appreciate you being here.
Roy Harris (RH): Well thank you so much for the invitation. I’ve looked forward to coming, and I’m looking forward to an exciting weekend.
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JW: Could you start off by just briefly sharing a little bit about the path that you’ve been on that really led you into this current ministry that you have, that actually takes you all over the world, often sharing these conferences on grief, and topics like that?
RH: Sure. It really goes back many years ago. I think it’s a culmination of decades of ministry that’s brought me to this point. I think the care-giving and the grieving probably because as a minister I’ve seen it up close with a lot of families. But I’ve also experienced it firsthand with my wife who passed away a few years ago. She was diagnosed with cancer and given 18 months to live and she actually lived 36 months. And so having gone through that, and finding the principles that were necessary to survive and thrive, and so forth, other pastors have asked me to share what I’ve experienced and what I learned. And so out of that came the book Caring for the Caregiver. And beyond Caring for the Caregiver, then I was asked to do special things on care-giving, and then to expand that to grieving, and so that brings us to where we are today with the Living Beyond Grief Conference. So that’s the road that kind of brought me to this point.
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JW: As you’ve gone out (and obviously again you speak from personal experience), but I know you’ve done quite a lot of research in this area, and as you’ve studied the topic of care-giving and grief, and just examining the literature, whether it be religious literature or secular perspectives and research, and having had such close contact with the local church, what would you say is the biggest misconception that people have on this topic?
RH: I think probably the largest mistake or misconception that people have with regard with care-giving and grieving is the fact that when it comes to the day-to-day thing, when people see caregivers come through the front doors to the church rolling someone in a wheelchair, they don’t have a clue as to what took place to get them there. Many times it takes hours of preparation to get the person to come. I think the biggest misconception is that it’s a passing thing. It’s kind of out-of-sight, out of mind. And I think people fail to realize that it’s a 7-day a week, 24 hour-a-day, 365-days-a-year job, with absolutely no days off. So I think the biggest misconception is the misunderstanding of what’s involved time-wise and the demands and responsibilities of a caregiver especially, but also those who are going through the grieving process.
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JW: Do you think there’s maybe reluctance sometimes on the part of pastors and lay-persons in general to engage people and ask them what’s going on at home?
RH: Yes, absolutely. As a matter of fact, it was my experience that people kind of shied away from talking with you. They’re thinking the process kind of put them in a position of not knowing what to say. And that’s the worst thing you can do with a caregiver and someone who’s grieving is not to engage them. I think a lot of people just don’t know what to say, and what they fail to realize is that it’s not important what you say. It’s just the fact that you’re there and that you care, and so if church people and pastors could learn that, I think that would be a tremendous help. Engage. It’s not what you say, but it’s the fact that you’re there and that you care that means so much to these people.
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JW: There’s been a lot in recent literature that has commented on the aging of the church, especially in the West, in North America, and our own country and our own movement especially. And I wonder about that because it certainly will put us in a different environment as we go forward, as we have churches with more and more people in there who are single, but not young and single, having never married, but people who are widows and widowers. I wonder if you can say a bit about the import that you think this trend will have for how we approach ministry as it emerges.
RH: One of the biggest things we need to recognize is the aging of America. The Baby Boomers, which is my generation, are quickly approaching retirement age. With regard with the younger regeneration coming along, even the applications of social programs like Social Security and other things, it’s going to become more and more of a problem. I think the local church is going to change. I think small group studies—I think remembering to include the older people [is important]. Solid churches [that] do well have a mix of both the older and younger. You need the wisdom and experience and the financial backing that the older people can give. And even the widows and widowers are seeking places to be of help and be a part of the church. Finding places to keep them engaged is so important.
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JW: And I think in that answer you’ve answered part of my next question. As we think in practical terms about people going through grief in the church, what do you think are the first steps, and especially maybe the first step, in creating a healthier culture of recovery? What might that look like?
RH: I think, Brother Jackson, that the key is taking the first step with someone who’s been there, like what you’re doing this weekend. Bring somebody in who has an expertise, who’s experienced, who’s gone through it. They can point out from the perspective of someone who has experienced it and can get a church to begin to think about what the church can do. I think that’s one big thing.
Again, I think including the older people in the groups of the church [is important]. I know before my wife passed away, on Sunday nights after church we had usually gone out. There were usually four couples of us. What happened after she passed away was I became the fifth wheel, and I began to feel like I was kind of an outsider in all of that. So the widows and widowers and those going through the care-giving process, I think the church [must] recognize how vital it is to put the thought processes in place to help folks to understand what they experience and go through. Even doing small group studies on aging, grieving, care-giving—not just the older folks, but for those of every age. But I think one of the first steps is to bring awareness to the congregation. You don’t hear many messages on care-giving or responsibilities with regard to what the Bible says about care-giving. You don’t hear much about grief except standard, Biblical principles. And we need the Biblical principles, but we need the application in a practical way. And I think that has to come from the pastor and from the pulpit as well.
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Part 2 of my interview with Dr. Harris will post next Monday.
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