Posted By Zach Maloney on Jan 20, 2019 | 2 comments

I have recently been thinking through the dynamics of grief and how human beings deal with loss. As a hospital chaplain, I meet people every day who are grieving. I have seen how grief has affected those I care about in church. Furthermore, my grandfather passed away this past September. Papaw was special to me. He was my friend.

Grief is a normal reaction we all face to significant loss. This reaction is often left unprocessed and unattended. How should we think through this normal reaction that many in our pews face? Is grief a linear or a lifelong experience? In this article, we will consider some common grief reactions and ways we can best minister to people entrusted to our care.

Common Grief Reactions

About two weeks after my grandfather’s death, I went to one of my favorite restaurants in Wake Forest for breakfast. I knew I would have a busy day; so I ordered steak and eggs. All of a sudden, I was overcome with grief and sadness. I immediately recalled my grandfather ordering this meal several times at his favorite restaurant at the Smokey Valley Truck Stop in Olive Hill, Kentucky. That restaurant closed back in 2015, but I can still picture Papaw ordering this menu item.

People can experience reactions to their grief in a variety of different ways. Some of these reactions may be physical. A person may experience a lack of energy, sleep disturbance, or shortness of breath. Sometimes a person may experience an emotional reaction like the one I had over breakfast. These reactions can be feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, fear, helplessness, or shock. Sadly, grief can also affect a person’s mental capacity. Someone may experience disbelief, poor concentration, denial, or disorientation. Ministry leaders should be aware of these physical, emotional, and mental reactions to grief.

People also experience other reactions to grief. A person may go through a phase of social withdrawal from his or her family and friends. People may also exhibit spiritual reactions to grief. Ministry leaders need to prepare themselves for questions such as: “Why would God allow this?” “Will I see them again?” and “Where are they now?” This will be uncomfortable, no doubt, but preparing for these questions can help guide the discussions better.

Compassionate Presence

In a hospital setting, I have found that one of the more helpful ways you can help somebody processing grief is to provide compassionate presence. Simple compassionate presence with a grieving person is powerful. It’s about being aware of another’s pain, not about taking away the pain. Being present with a grieving person is about listening with the heart, not about trying to analyze everything with the head.

Oftentimes our discomfort leads us to try to fill every moment with words. However, presence is a gift, and sometimes our advice can harm. Advice-giving is a natural response for those wanting to help. Our intent is almost always good. However, train yourself to sit and listen to another person experiencing pain and grief. Companioning takes time and patience, which many people lack. Wise counsel is not simply a matter of finding the problem within a person and injecting a Bible verse. It is far easier to apply our “fix” and then cut and run.

We can see examples of the need for compassionate presence in Scripture. All four Gospels record Jesus’ account of praying in the Garden of Gethsemane with His disciples the night before He faced Pontius Pilate. Jesus knew what cup He would drink in the coming hours. In this hour of need, He asked His disciples to sit and pray. Matthew and Mark both record that Jesus was “deeply grieved to the point of the death” at this time (Mt. 26:38; Mk. 14:34).[1] When Jesus asked His disciples to watch with Him for an hour, He was not asking them to say or do anything but just to be present.

One example of how not to provide comfort to a grieving person can be found in the opening chapters of Job. Job has just lost his servants to the hands of the Sabeans, as well as all of his camels to the Chaldeans, and all of his children to a wind-storm. In the midst of his pain, three friends travel to be with him. At first, they weep with him (2:12). However, they then “sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw that his suffering was very intense” (2:13). Compassionate presence is certainly helpful during difficult times, but perhaps sitting on the ground with the person for seven days without offering words of comfort is unhelpful.

The alertness of watching allows one to listen actively and be aware of the surroundings and atmosphere. Silence is sometimes the best support and medicine a person can receive during a time of need. Other times, active listening requires that we accept what the grieving person is feeling. It’s about creating a safe space for the person to name their emotions. It’s okay to respect disorder and confusion. It’s not about imposing order and logic, at least not at first.

Comforted by the Crucified One

Compassionate presence is crucial during your visits with people. People are all around you who just want you to sit and listen to their stories. Chances are that you will meet someone who is struggling with grief. Perhaps you are reading this and find yourself thinking about someone or something you lost. Grief is universal and inescapable even when its existence and impact are denied.

Everyone has experienced some sort of loss. Therefore, everyone has experienced grief. These emotions actually reveal something about how God made us. God created us with the desire to love His creation. I would argue that if nothing is of value to your life so much that you don’t grieve its parting, you may actually be denying the doctrine of creation. Christianity actually fosters and celebrates relationships; thus to lose those will bring grief and sadness.

Thankfully, God is not passionless during our grief. He loves and suffers. He is a Person, and we praise His name because He comes to us when we suffer. God knows what hurt and grief is like. He hurts with us, and He was hurt for us. The cross reminds us that Jesus loves us so much that He takes our sin and suffering on Himself as a sacrifice so that we can be freed from sin. We want God to offer an explanation of all His ways. Instead, He offers Himself. Therefore, you and I can be comforted by the Crucified One.

[1]All Scriptural quotations and references come from the Christian Standard Bible.

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